Confessions of a Caregiver: When Alzheimer's Comes to Your Home

I am the primary care giver for my mother-in-law who lives in our home. I downloaded this book to my Kindle because thinking I would could get encouragement from someone who has walked in my shoes. The author writes about his feelings and resentments and ways that he is dealing with his wife caring for her mother. While I don't doubt his honesty and that he writes from his heart, I don't consider him a caregiver. I think this book is better suited for the spouse of a primary caregiver, not for the actual care giver.

There are many aspecs of caring for someone with Alzheimers that you can't imagine unless you are in that person's shoes. It is a very lonely situation for the actual caregiver.

I could not finish this book because I would get so angry that he was complaining about things that his wife was dealing with and how they affected him. It just seemed to me that this book is a "Woe is Me" kind of book.

I do recommend it for anyone who is related to a caregiver...I am sure my husband can identify with this author, but I can't.

I would highly recommend this book to anyone who is caring for a elderly person at home or has the responsibility for someone in an assisted living facility. You will smile, you may cry, and you will be astonished that others are sharing your same emotions. Mr. Skillin has truly given a gift to caregivers.

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After Alzheimer's struck his mother, sister, and mother-in-law, author and caregiver, Joseph Skillin writes in Confessions of a Caregiver, that he struggles with the "daily-ness" of the presence of Alzheimer's in his home.

He writes, "Anyone can rise to the need of taking care of a sick parent. But it takes courage, endurance, constancy, perseverance, and heroism to commit to daily care without any end in sight."

While he admires his wife's loving care for her mom in their home, he confesses his feelings of unease with the burden on his family.

IRRITATED BY THE LITTLE THINGS

Skillin finds he can't stop focusing on "the little things" that irritate him day after day. He admits it doesn't make sense to let these things bother him, but they do-such as when his mother-in-law turns up the volume on the television, doesn't push in her chair when leaving the table, or never shows appreciation with a "Thank you."

Yet, while his wife, Penny, serves as the primary caregiver for her mom, Skillin finds ways to help and ease Penny's burden by taking on a greater share of the household chores.

PRAYING

One of two unique qualities of Confessions is a prayer at the end of each chapter. These give us a deeper look into what matters to Skillin during his caregiving journey. At the end of the "How I Cope" chapter, Skillin begs God: Do not test my endurance. Give me a break.

GETTING AWAY FROM HOME

Skillin, who works outside the home as a marketing consultant, is thankful Penny allows him time away from home to cope with the burden. He advises caregivers to do the same in order to "reset your perspectives, rekindle your appreciations, and recharge your soul." He adds, "Step out of the house so you can step back in and step up to the challenges." This is great advice for all caregivers if even for five minutes.

WHAT I FEAR

The second unique quality of Confessions, among caregiving books, includes a chapter on "What I Fear." After seeing his mother, sister, and now mother-in-law live with Alzheimer's, he knowingly fears of being robbed of his being, of his "eventual lack of control," and of being "stuck in bed until someone comes and dresses" him. At the same time, he doesn't want to be a burden to his children who he believes have to live their own lives. He even outlines eight tips for them.

FINDING THE JOY

Despite the burdens of caregiving, Skillin does take time to find the joy with his mother-in-law. Whether it is laughing at the thought of a ninety-four year old woman walking down the street with an empty suitcase at three in the morning (she wanted to go home) or smiling at the thought of his mother-in-law sipping out of the empty envelop she insisted was her coffee cup.

WHAT MATTERS MORE

Skillin comes to the realization while witnessing one's dying that what matters less is success and competence and what matters more is significance and character.

He learns from his wife, Penny of the gifts of caregiving and why she sacrifices so much to lovingly tend to her mother. Among the reasons she gives is one that is important for all caregivers: To do the best we can so that after our loved ones are gone we have no regrets.

He wrote this book to help other caregivers and spouses of caregivers deal with the "emotional rollercoaster" of caregiving.

What Skillin accomplishes with Confessions of a Caregiver is a catharsis of sorts that gives caregivers the permission to feel negative feelings that come with the heroic burden of caregiving while stepping up to the caregiving role.

Reviewed by Brenda Avadian, MA on February 13, 2010 at .

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Highly recommend this book for all caregivers (not just those dealing with Alzheimer's), past, present and future. The emotions are not sugar coated, but real and honest. The prayers are a true blessing. A quick read, you'll want to keep it close when the cares of being a caregiver are overwhelming.

It's been five years since I helped with the care of my mother. The insight, honesty and compassion with which Mr. Skillen writes, allowed me to revisit the feelings I dealt with and put them in perspective.

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Joe Skillin's "Confessions of a Caregiver" is a blessing to me. It comes at a difficult time, as my wife and I are faced with the caring for her sister, a 68 year-old retired school teacher, experiencing the onset of Alzheimer's disease. Living alone, her care has fallen to us and becomes more difficult with each day. Skillin's message, as he relates his experience with his mother-in-law and other family members, skillfully hits the mark on many levels and provides comfort in its sincerity.

One never knows or can plan for the overwhelming list of responsibilities, legal issues, stress and fatigue that accompany this degenerative disease as you watch a loved one move further away yet, paradoxically, need you more than ever. I highly recommend "Confessions of a Caregiver", as the author astutely describes the process and needs of the ill while drawing from his empathy for the caregiver as the burden spreads from the patient to those around them. This is a must read for all that need to understand how invasive Alzheimer's can be.