I can't remember the last time I stayed up this late to read a work of non-fiction. I picked up this book with a hefty dose of skepticism, and found myself entranced. Sax's insights seem spot-on and realistic, even though some of them are gender based. I'm female and work in technology at a Fortune 5 company, so things that blithely apply gender stereotypes make me seethe, but all of his observations seem realistic, insightful, research based, AND ultimately promote more choice, health, and support for girls. Who knew that cheerleading coaches don't have to be trained in how to recognize concussions, even though football coaches do? And that girls are 40 to 300 percent more likely to get concussions than boys (depending on the sport)? Ultimately this book is packed with information about girls in such a way that you can use it to empower your own children, rather than simply excusing bad behaviors with a "well, she's a girl!" label. My daughter is 5, and he directly addresses many of the issues I'm starting to wonder about, and trying to prepare to handle in the all-too-near future.I found his discussion of sexuality to be enlightened rather than repressive, even as it supports some traditional values: "As parents, we must reject the notion that girls have to take off their clothes to empower themselves. Boys don't have to take off their clothes to empower themselves. Girls shouldn't either. / Sexuality is good, but _sexualization_ is bad. Sexuality is about your identity as a woman or a man, about feeling sexual. That's a healthy part of becoming an adult. But sexualization is about being an object for the pleasure of others, about being on display for others." He talks about the "cyberbubble" and how being constantly in touch via social network sites and IM and phones has created a different world than the one I lived in just 20 years ago, including cyberbullying. Best of all (for a mom who'll have a tween in just a few short years), he gives concrete, logical suggestions for some of the situations your child will find herself in. He talks about obsessions (weight, sports, smarts, etc.) and how vulnerable they leave your child if something happens to disrupt them (gaining/losing weight, getting a stress fracture, scoring poorly on the SAT), unless your child has a more-developed sense of identity. He also talks about environmental toxins, which surprised me somewhat--but again, he made a compelling case for it. Then he finishes with one chapter each on mind / body / spirit, giving examples on how to support your child in each area. "Mind" is about education and learning (including a need for play), "body" is about health and physical fitness, and "spirit" is about community and church (without promoting any particular religion).
Sax also did a commendable job of synthesizing and accurately depicting research. I generally find myself suspicious of authors who claim to have all the answers, or who have very-fuzzy footnotes to support key points, but Sax backs up his points with solid research (roughly 30 pages of endnotes, relegated to small type at the end of the book so they don't interfere). He also states clearly where there are cases the research is inconclusive, and when he speculates on a possible explanation, he finishes with "but we simply don't know," so the line between research and speculation is clear. I have a master's degree and enjoy reading a lot (including non-fiction and textbooks), and found his referencing solid, unlike many popular parenting books. I also read a number of points to my husband (who has a PhD in psychology and is faculty at an Ivy-league school), and he also found the points and the presentation compelling. But honestly, our best qualification is that we have a 5-year-old daughter... and this book directly addressed a number of real concerns we have as we're both trying to provide her with the best opportunities in life, and trying to prepare for the things we watch her older friends and cousins grappling with. Thank you, Sax! This book will have a very real impact on some of the decisions we're making regarding both her present and her future, some as soon as tomorrow, and several as soon as this upcoming summer as her extracurricular activities shift.
As a parent of a pre-teen, I have first hand knowledge of some of the influences that have shaped our children's lives in today's age. This book goes a step beyond and culls out 4 important themes that affect our kids. If you're a parent you already know this, you've seen it already, but the author brings them together and gives them a framework, so you can think about strategies that can help your child.
The 4 main trends he discusses are:
Sexual Identity Girls trying to look older at a younger age
Obsessions fixation on body, sports etc. due to a lack of strong sense of self
Environmental Toxins Exposure to drug/alcohol abuse, anxiety, stress factors
Cyberbubble -The constant texting and messaging which causes teens/pre-teens to disengage from their true selves
I liked the fact that the author used data to back up these themes than just opinion and one off examples from friends and family. We cannot deny that these themes affect our children as there is data to prove it. Some facts were new to me, for instance, girls who don't live with their biological father tend to reach puberty much earlier. When you think about it, it does make sense. Although I had knowledge of these trends bringing them together helped me create a complete picture of all the pressures affecting my kid's life.
The author also suggests strategies to counter the negative impact of some of these trends. For instance, dealing with mean girls in school. What I liked about his strategies is that they are well thought out, and talk about the resistance and obstacles along the way. In this particular case, an effective strategy was getting the teacher involved at the beginning of the year and getting the girls to think about and sign an "Agreement". These are strategies that we tried in graduate school to build better teamwork and they worked. Some readers have commented that the author does not provide enough strategies in the book. On the contrary, I think he has done a nice job of balancing facts with strategies. Also, once you understand the facts, it's much easier to refine these strategies to fit your child's needs.
I highly recommend this book as a parent, I only wish I had read it earlier. Here is a book both practical in the best family-physician sort of way and subversive in the context of a materialistic culture. Do you know what I love best about it? Dr. Sax sides with Goethe when he says, what about spirit? He writes in "the dark night of the soul" the following: "Why is the spiritual journey so important? Because life doesn't go as planned. Because death and loss happen. Because disappointment hurts. Even if a girl has a brilliant mind and has earned top marks in every subject, and she is in great physical shape, those achievements of mind and body will count for nothing when a crises hits." Amen. Leonard Sax loves the female spirit and is obviously a true guardian and inspirator; he cares about individuation and actualization; he cares about freeing the human spirit. He's a practical Romantic! I love that Sax starts by quoting Rilke: "Go into yourself and find out how deep is the place from which your life springs..."
I'd love to do a rewrite of the original "Freaky Friday" movie informed by Sax's book. This girl would not be like Jodie Foster's character, goofing off to fit in, neglecting her own intellectual potential; rather, she'd stay up until 1 am perfecting her MySpace page every night, she'd have a 4.2 GPA, an over-scheduled life just like her absent mother, perfect six-pack abs, joyless sexual encounters performing for faceless boys and a yawning interior emptiness. Hooray for a feminism that neglected spirit and became co-opted by industry! I could quibble with Sax, despite his clear bead on girls; I could wish for a less repetitive writing style; I could say, well, you've covered BPAs and phthalates, but what about phyto-estrogens like soy? I could say, stop quoting Michael Pollan and check out Sally Fallon. But why? Sax inspired me to begin praying with my little girls at bedtime, just as my mother used to with me, and that's huge. I must admit that I was initially a bit skeptical What would a MAN know about the troubles girls have after all?!?
However, I chose to read the book despite my misgivings as I was intrigued by the sub-title "The Four Factors Driving the New Crisis for Girls sexual identity, obsessions, environmental toxins and the cyberbubble" I am so very glad that I did!
Despite having been written by someone of the opposite sex, this book is absolutely right on. The author has extensive experience working with girls through his family practice and psychotherapy practice. His insights are impressive, if somewhat discouraging due to their nature. He has a daughter himself. I was shocked by some of the information that I read yet I easily identified with other information, as it is something I remember experiencing myself when I was a teen (despite being over 20 years ago for me...)
Dr. Sax has identified four key areas of harm to girls as caused by the nature of our society, technology and accepted norms of today. He clearly outlines what the problems are, illustrates the issues with anecdotal stories of girls he's worked with who have struggled with these issues, provides research to further back his position and follows it up with suggestions on how parents can mitigate the named problem areas in hopes of raising a happy, self confident, radiant girl despite the challenges.
Some may be put off by the author's titles of the four key areas: sexual identity, obsessions, environmental toxins and the cyberbubble. However, once one reads his descriptions of the issues, why they're problematic and research which supports his position, any parent will be shocked, upset, dismayed and lastly very thankful that they've read this book so that they can prevent those problems from occurring for their own daughter(s).
A quick summary (but which doesn't do the book justice) would be:
Sexual identity: Girlhood has become sexualized, making girls sexual objects (with a heavy emphasis on appearance) which causes intimacy and sexual issues later in life when they do reach an appropriate age for sexual expression. High school culture has moved away from dating to "hook-up's", which involve (and expect) no-strings sexual intimacy and at increasingly young ages essentially girls are expected to "perform favors" to some extent, interested or not, as that has become the expectation within this tween/teen culture.
Obsessions: Girls are essentially creating a "corporate brand" type identity at an early age, where they select their label and throw all their energy into it to make it happen. Maybe the "skinny one" (leading to anorexia/bulemia), the "smart-one" (potentially devistating when they don't do well or get top grades"), the "sporty girl" (studies show girls have significantly higher risks of short and long-term physical damage due to over-engaging in sports at a young age knee replacement at 30 anyone?), plus a multitude of others which can all lead to severe emotional problems, anxiety and depression all of which are on the rise in our society and especially so for females.
environmental toxins: endocrine disruptors in our foods, our beauty products, our utensils (plastic cups for example), in the environment with pesticides and so on are causing earlier and earlier puberty. Some girls as young as 7 are beginning puberty this is way too early and they are without the emotional and cognitive maturity needed to navigate this transition.
cyberbubble: girls are connected virtually 24/7 with texting, mobile calls, social networking sites online, etc. This further creates the 'corporate branding' form of identity for girls as they feel they must have their posts to networking sites "fit" their created identity. Interesting, witty, intellectual or sporty, etc. They are always having to watch what they say and do as they are always being judged by their peers. Essentially what media stars deal with regarding press and image has now become the standard for girls because of their technological "connectedness". In addition, bullying is now 24/7 and not escaped once leaving the school (or whatever area it may occur) as it follows them by text, phone, and on social networking sites.
The author goes into much more clear detail about the above and why it is so very damaging, the current statistics and first hand stories of girls he's worked with. He gives ideas for each issue on how a parent can help protect and guide their daughter through these troubled areas.
He also mentions what school settings help prevent or eliminate much of these problems (all girls schools for one, as well as Waldorf schools and some other styles of education. He provides compelling evidence for his rationale as well). In addition he discusses what changes have occurred in society to cause many of these issues and how parents can adopt certain practices to better support their daughter's development into a more fulfilled individual.
One area he discusses which may be a tender spot for some is that he believes that girls are seeking and lacking in spiritual guidance. He does not push any specific religion, however, he does use the word god here and there (so those who don't subscribe to a male supreme being might be a bit put off by this). This chapter was written in a pretty neutral way otherwise and as a non-Christian I did not find it offensive. He states that it is not religion that is needed, but some form of spirituality which helps them feel more connected to something bigger.
I will also say that in one of the initial chapters he does quote a verse from the judeo-christian bible. I felt that the book would have been fine, perhaps better, had he not done that, as it is sure to turn off some readers who are not christian and who have a different spiritual path. Westernized countries are increasingly multicultural (this is especially apparent in the San Francisco Bay area where I live) one can no longer assume that most readers are of a judeo-christian background.
All-in-all this is not only a great book, but a very important book! If it were my choice it would be mandatory reading for all parents of girls under 18. Critically important information is discussed in the text. Read this if you have a daughter, a grand daughter, or a niece, or buy it for your friend who does. Working in the online world, and being a pretty in-touch Mom, I didn't think I would be surprised by much in Dr. Sax's book. Boy, I was wrong. Not only does Dr. Sax go through how sexual identity (includes modesty, sexual behavior, etc.), cyberworld/social media, environmental toxins, and obsessions affect girls today--he also offers some practical advice as to how to help your daughter deal with these pressures. Dr. Sax's background as both a psychologist and pediatrician gives an interesting view as to what he has seen in his pediatric practice (and backed up by numerous studies) as well as to how that affects girls.
A few highlights:
* He suggests having a codeword/phrase to use with your daughter, and teaching it to them young (by 9), so that you can help them get out of uncomfortable situations without them having to express their uncomfortableness with what their friends may be doing. Something like, "So Mom are you baking brownies again?"
* He recommends that computers be in a family area, and that you knowingly monitor your child's usage, time, sites, etc. (Let them know.)
*If you grew up even in the late 80s, early 90s, you'll be surprised at how common giving oral sex is among today's girls. They're so used to servicing boys (and boys get used to thinking its all about them) that this can lead to them never having an orgasm even when they're older.
*Coffee consumption and alcohol consumption are related. Among girls/women who drink coffee regularly, 70% drink alcohol. Among those who do not drink coffee, only 29% drink alcohol. (I wonder if this is an LDS thing?)
*The perils of early puberty. Today, breast development at seven is considered normal!
*The prevelance of cutting and other forms of self-harm even among "good" girls
It's a very important book, and I do hope you'll pick it up. I actually enjoyed it more than Dr. Sax's book on boys, "Boys Adrift"--perhaps because I had already read a lot of Michael Gurian's work so it wasn't all new to me.
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